@ Work

Sitting at work, an observation hit me hard once again. All said and done, men of any nationality do seem to be very nice to women, to start with at least; its civility and chivalry at its best.

There is a definite advantage being a woman and making use of it does make some sense to the pragmatic mind. Now the purists might say that this isn’t ethical, but then, will this be coming under the banner of ethics and all, if a lady has not in specific asked for it and then got it as a result of her sex? The answer is clearly, No. Firstly, the woman never even thought of something like that and secondly she didn’t want the help. Well at some point of time it does help one’s cause to make life livable, I personally think it should be used, but like all things life, caution and discretion is a must.

So being a women at work and making the most of it because of the simple reason that you are a woman and not have to do anything to get that is a flattering proposition. I for one, never seemed to have understood why and have asked many of my close men friends. They have this wonderful smile on their face (surely thinking about that last incident which they are relishing it again now) and just say, “Understand madam.” Hmm… I guess my readers did understand and can probably throw some light on this. One of the burning topics that I have been unable to unravel and my guess is, no one really has been either. Comments and observations as always are welcome.

Topsy - Turvy

Hit and trials, endless discussions and heated arguments seemed the norm of the day for a while now. There was a point when I prayed that time would just be forwarded and I wake up four years older. Can you beat that?? How desperate did I get to be left all alone and by myself.

Have you heard of life going topsy-turvy? Priorities changing dramatically, twenty-four hours seeming too less and days flying past before you can stop to take notice and somehow just not being able to take out time for anyone or anything else. With no further narratives let me end this and get to the crux of the matter.

To sum it up in one word or rather sentence, I have found that person with whom I would like to spend the rest of my life with.

I don’t seem to be scared about it nor flustered. Uncertainty of future (ah! a paradox), don’t seem to bother me and before anyone starts to assume, let me say I have no tinted glasses either. But definitely life seems much better.

Confusions & Marriage

At 24, I assumed one generally tends to be in some state of clarity with regard to what’s wanted in life. Contrary to my assumption, I seem have no idea on anything that’s of any consequence. Status quo would have been just fine, but the sudden urgency that folks at home seem to have about my settling down – or in one word Marriage, is quite unsettling for my languid existence.

My sentiments are mirrored in all those twenty something Indian girls who are pursued by their parents to get married. The reasons given are “We want to see you happily married and settled” or “It is a great responsibility.” … “You are now twenty-…. It is the right time for you to be married” etc etc… the list is endless. In a way it seems alright. But then it is a question of my entire life and I really would want to take a well-thought out step and most importantly when I think I am ready for it. Within the garbs of freedom come the responsibilities. Quite an irony is what I think. Secondly, they don’t always seem to understand what is this thing called “chemistry” I keep yapping about. Immediately I hear that I should compromise. Agreed! Marriage in itself involves innumerable compromises, but then there is something that I believe in. My sis very neatly framed it, Do not comprise on the guy, compromise with the guy.

If I get married, I would want to be happy on my wedding day. Look forward for spending my life with this guy I totally adore. Be excited about it. But then, I’ll have to watch and see what destiny holds for me. The entire idea of marriage becomes such a big nuisance when you have worried parents and hyper excited relatives whose only aim is to see you married. Everywhere I go, the only thing people ask is when am I getting married. I am sure to tell them as soon as I find a guy, but then for heaven’s sake please allow me to find one. My married and committed friends also seem to have jumped the other side. They are equally vehement about it. Net result of all this is that I feel am thirty plus, very old and past an age where I can secure a ‘Suitable boy’.

All this does make me pretty indifferent…. But then, wish u all a happy and peaceful existence, irrespective of the fact whether you are single, hitched or married.

First Love

How often does it happen that one realises the beauty of a situation that they have been through only after, all of it is over and will never return? Am sure many times. The golden era of school days, the last few months in college and many such moments that one either wants to desperately hold on to or later in time cherishes them throughout life.

First love! Ah! For people who have experienced this can relate reliving that unforgettable period. Undeniably, being in love is always an experience worth reckoning, but the first time to have fallen in love is indeed different. It really takes a while before you realise that “I am in love!” . The various doubts plagued with it if you are seriously in one or is it just another bout of infatuation. Probably ranging of a higher order. As it mostly happens for many this realization dawns after a long time and the lucky few who do it in advance revel in it.

Why should this incident or phase be treated so special? Well, irrespective of the person you have fallen in love with (for all one knows he/she might be a complete jerk, that’s beyond point) it is the mere fact that it is for the very first time in your life that you have actually realised what it is to experience love from a partner. To be able to unconditionally love a person, who was a stranger few days/weeks/months back, is definitely a revelation to oneself. “I am capable of so much!” It is these feelings that can help a person evolve into a much better and lovable person.

There are some lucky ones who find their true love in the first person they fall in love with. Superb! As, I believe it is one of the purest forms of love and expression, absolutely guileless. But then, for the many others who aren’t that lucky/unlucky, chill people! You have had a great time, surely and upon choice, can now be a much better person.

Celebrate life!

Undulation

Always wondered what is so fascinating about water and the seas... my musings were answered with an experience absolutely fascinating and beyond words.

Waves softly hurtling the boat that monotony seemed desirable. A sense of absolute peace and happiness one would never want to let go of. A companion so close that one could relate to and feel the connection with the power that created them. The setting sun casting its reflection was a sight to be cherished. All in all an atmosphere that brought in a feeling to share it with some special people and also to remain alone. Never had I experienced such a dilemma and yet was in a position where I could afford both.

Nature has a way of showing how its dances are so similar to the vicissitudes of our lives. The rhythmic movement of the sea, windswept seemed like a spread of muslin stretching to the ends of the earth. The time had stopped and it was a moment to live in. Undulation that was just there for me, in life and for eternity.

Life

Came upon this write up in a newspaper. How simple and how true, I really loved this.


What’s so romantic about growing old with someone?
When does old begin?
With the first sachet of hair dye?
Or when you start cutting down the sugar?
For that matter when does young end?
You know, it won’t ever.
Not when your eyes meet across a crowded room,
And the magic remains the same as the moment you met.

Celebrate life!

Impossible relationships!

“My gift to impossible relationships…” says Richard Gere in Pretty Woman and gives the money agreed upon. I have lost count of how many times I have watched this movie. It keeps me mesmerized every time I see and every time I do, I come across another nuance of the relationship that the central characters share. Call it an obsession but then all said and done I probably enjoy it so much may be because I can relate to it in some ways. How many times have we wondered about the way relationships take a turn? I suppose every time one touches that discordant chord. For sure this does happen quite a number of times.

I have lost my appetite over them. I have lost my peace of mind over them. Can’t imagine such things happening to me. These seem so alien, I mean why would you want to spoil your health and most importantly mess your mental state because someone you have come across and have started liking and eventually loving to an extent that the above mentioned things seem trivial. I am selfish and arrogant and still am capable of such feelings! Agreed am not some robot, who lacks feelings, but still this quandary beats me. The rationale tells you its pure stupidity but then your heart contradicts it with vehemence. So what should the poor being do? Follow your mind and try to tell yourself that its ok, these kinda things are not for me and are practically impossible or follow your heart and hence pursue the feelings… and in some extreme cases may pursue the interest that has caused this. :-)

Impossible relationships… the phrase seems more than apt. Just makes me say, “Can’t live with it and can’t live without it.”

Having said this, I want you to express your views. Not to present a solution, because that seems a stupidity to ask, but a point of view, a perspective.

How do I love thee?

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach,

When feeling out of sight for the ends of Being and ideal Grace,

I love thee to everyday's most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise;

I love thee with the passion put to use in my old griefs,

and with my childhood's faith,

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose with my lost saints-

I love thee with my breadth, smiles, tears of all my life! -

And if God chooses,

I shall but love thee better after Death.

-Elizabeth B.Browning

(Sonnets from the Portugese)

Rishton ki dagar hai mushkil...

Its very hot nowadays in Hyd, but then its Hyd. I still love this place. Iss shahar main rishton ko kayyam rakhna, kabhi kabhi mushkil lagta hai....
Sister's enagagement was followed by all the fanfare and fun that's so usual at these occasions. But, it did get me thinking into those myriad nuances involved in a marriage.

Listening to Shubha Mudgal, had to quote this....

"rishta jo jisme dooriyaan ho, saans aaye jaye,
tera bhi apna bhi geet ho, woh bhi koi geet gaye,
khud ko mitana na chahe, tujhko badalna na chahe,
jaisa bhi hai tu tujhko vaise hi jo apnaye...."

I find this stanza so very apt. So very important, that I wonder if I'll find someone who respects such a belief..... and moreover .... is mine.

Ma Bamma.

The end of the year 2004 saw the end of the last of my Grand parents. To me this may not make a very big difference but then there is some kind of unexplained gap. I have always yearned for a grand father. Whenever I hear people, from outside the family, talking about both maternal and paternal granpa’s I feel very good and just then there is this want to have been acquainted with such personalities.

Day before yesterday while I was loitering in the house I chanced upon her memoirs. She had summed up some of her life’s most cherished moments and some experiences that left an indelible mark upon her life. As long as I have known her she was a lady with perfect health and a person with no idea whatsoever of procrastination. I always believed she would live to be a Centurion and wanted my kids to know her. This crazy belief is what makes it hard for me to believe that she is no more.

She was a lady who had impeccable memory and this database am sure would put any fetching algorithm to shame. She had an admirable collection of sarees. The best part was that these included such unconventional and rare colours that every saree seems superb. It was not just the collection it was also the maintenance that was of a superior quality. She stuck to this regime till the end. An excellent cook and home maker. Her only regret being not been able to become a doc. But this interest was so great that she knew the human anatomy so well and its related diseases and drugs that she amazed those docs she went to :-).

The part where I connected with her was with books. She was an avid reader of both English and Telugu literature. We have had some very interesting conversations about Pearl .S. Buck , Tolstoy and many others. I do miss these. We did exchange some books and one of her favorite Anna Karenina was lent to me before she could read it for the second time. We all shared another thing in common… she was a major competitor for all the chocs that father and uncles got for us :-). Ice-cream parties were a common feature with her. She was a very flexible lady and something really admiring was her effortless ability to adjust in different places. I am sure its pretty tough to do that at the age of 70 and over, after having lived a whole life upon one’s terms. There was always a certain amount of stubbornness and control that she always had in her.

I wouldn’t like to call this an obituary. These are just some of the many things I have known about and probably shared with her. A memory I wouldn’t like it to fade.

Love

My thoughts were so well reflected by this small story I came across that I had to make this entry into my blog.

I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me. Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water and held it before me, and said this: "You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love." This was how I saw it: "As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds. This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they try to posses it, they demand, they expect... and just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you. For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings. Give and don't expect. Advise, but don't order. Ask, but never demand. It might sound simple, but! it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring." Passing thought... Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the moments that take our breath away ........
-- Swami Vivekananda

There are also another kind of people who believe that someone else can never understand their requirement of space. They want a number of things, but at the end of everything you have certain fringes attached.
There are no free meals in this world.
It might sound slightly materialistic in the present context, but the fact remains that an element of possessiveness is always there....the right of "advising, but not ordering", the right of "Asking, and not demanding"....if even these things are never given importance then is there still a point in continuing the devotion towards that person...
Over the last One year I have realised myself, in various new facets,with many new feelings which I thought I might be incapable of expressing or possessing.
It was a good experience.
Space is soooo important and so is Love....
So am signing off with the song " Janeman Janeman..Tere do Nayan..."
Its an amazing song expressing the beauty and love....